Hey, my brother.
I just came back from the free clinic, and guess what I got?
What, man?
The phone number of those two nurses we met.
Yo, the twins that sleep in the same bed?
With some luck, we can put an end to that streak.
You the man.
Oh, hey, Phillipe, I need you to cover my next shift.
Actually, cover my next three shifts. You know how demanding twins can be.
Yes, my brother, it's gonna be some night.
Oh, wait. I just remembered, I can't go.
- Well, why not? - I'm getting married.
What do you mean, you're getting married?
Her name is Jewel Robertson.
I saw her on Cops, getting busted for grand theft auto.
Jazz, the woman's a convict?
We prefer the term "freedom impaired."
How about the term "not playing with a full cell block"?
You don't understand, man.
Jewel makes my life complete.
See, I know you look at me and you say, "Damn, that Jazz has it all."
But the truth is, behind these shades, there's a big, empty hole.
Well, that's for damn sure.
And I was gonna make you my best man.
Oh, really? Your best man?
Well, you are my best friend.
My other friends pretend to like me for my money.
That's because you owe it to them.
The ceremony's at the Woman's Correctional Institution next Tuesday.
Whoa, Jazz. You're getting married at the prison?
Why not. It's free.
We follow an execution.
Jazz, ain't no homey of mine getting married up in no prison.
Well, unless you got a rich uncle or something, that's how it's got to be.
There she is, Jewel Robertson, number 54820 out of Folsom Prison.
Crime, grand theft auto. Time served, two years.
Let's take a look at the videotape.
Officer down. Officer down. We need backup.
Get her off of me. She's biting my...
Has Jazz lost his mind? I mean, woof.
What's wrong with her face?
Sweetheart, it's electronically scrambled.
Whatever. I just hope she's not toying with Jazz's emotions.
I hate to see a sweet guy like that get hurt.
Honey, up till today, you've never had a nice thing to say about Jazz.
Up till today, Jazz was available.
Now that he's getting married...
...well, forbidden fruit always looks more tempting, doesn't it?
Mother, for God's sake, he's half your age.
Well, I'm happy for Jazz. I think it is so romantic.
- I give it three weeks. - The marriage or her parole?
Yo, whoa, hey, that's not funny. Jazz is my best friend.
Was. Be prepared, Will.
Marriage brings about new priorities.
You may find Jazz has less time to spend with you once he's taken a wife.
Please, ain't no way Jazz, knowing me, gonna let some honey come between us.
That's what I thought too.
When I married Vivian, I lost all my friends. Right, honey?
But, you know...
But it wasn't like I was gonna need them.
After all, I wasn't gonna have any fun anymore.
Honey. Sweetheart.
Babe...
Man, Uncle Phil, I knew you had a man-size appetite, but both feet?
Don't worry, Daddy, I'll run damage control.
Thank you, baby.
Hey, well, look, I don't even care. Jazz is in love...
...and I'm gonna make sure that he has the best wedding ever.
Even if I got to pay for it myself.
I mean, even though I am just...
...a poor black man trying to get my education.
Forget it, Will. I am not shelling out for Jazz's wedding.
Oh, please. Now, I seem to remember a rather large relative of mine saying that:
"If Jazz would just find some bimbo to get his mind off of Hilary...
...I'd be more than happy to pay for the wedding."
Well...
Way to go, Judge Banks. You pretend to uphold the law...
...but you'll renege on a verbal contract?
Well... Well, she is a convict.
I could call it a rehabilitation party and write it off.
Check it out, you're a judge.
You can perform the ceremony. Pay yourself 25 bucks.
- Fifty. - Pay yourself 100. It's your money.
That's right.
I finally found the man of my dreams.
Marry me, Carlton.
Very funny, Will.
But while you're playing with dolls, I'll be securing the premises.
I mean, we are gonna have a convict in the house.
Jazz, would you relax, man.
Can't help myself, Will. Not with Jewel due any minute.
Oh, is she pregnant too?
Of course not.
I have the deepest respect for her, Mr. Banks.
She's a class act.
Somebody wants to know where the bride is registered.
Gillespie Liquors.
She's here. She's here. She's here.
Carlton.
I also put my diamond cuff links in a balloon and swallowed them.
That's more than I ever wanted to know about you, Carlton.
Okay, everybody just relax.
Well, hi there, Mr. Man.
You like my dress?
Hilary, will you get out of my way? You're blocking my view.
Miss Jewel Robertson.
- Jazzy! - Munchkin!
There's a lot to be said for a woman who's been in prison a long time.
Hey.
Yo.
Hello in there.
Munchkin, these are the lovely people...
...who have opened their home and their wallet to us.
Hey, I'm Will, the best man.
Oh, yeah? As far as I can see, this here's the best man.
I love this bony butt.
And it loves you too, my pet.
Carlton Banks here.
I suppose you noticed our fine collection of European autos in our driveway.
I also noticed you have a very small head.
Hey.
Don't mind him.
We are very happy to have you in our home.
Thanks, and I guess it's true what they say:
- Can't buy good taste. - Hey.
Which one is the desperately stuck-up, self-centered clothes horse?
Guilty.
- Now, just a minute, young lady. - I'm sorry.
See, the prison therapist says that I should say what's on my mind...
...and not keep too much bottled up, otherwise I'd...
...you know, go out and do something stupid like hotwiring a Lexus.
Although it did get me on prime time.
And kept you in the hearts of viewers everywhere.
I just wanna say, if you ever hurt him...
...I'll hunt you down like the dog that you are, and kill you.
Well, gotta go shop for your present.
Beautiful and nuts.
- You must be very proud. - I guess.
Well, hey, look, I've got an idea.
Jazz, why don't you take Jewel into the kitchen and get her some grub.
That's if tubby here hasn't eaten it all.
Come in. Just trying on my wedding dress.
Hey, Jewel, I just wanted to come and check...
...to see if there's anything you needed.
You know, a cup of coffee, a blood test.
Actually, I thought I'd see if you could live up to your title.
You know, best man.
- Oh, what did you have in mind? - Could you help me with this?
It's already zipped up.
I know. I want you to zip it down.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Listen, my cousin Hilary is right down the hall.
- I'm gonna get her. - Quit messing around.
Come on, I gotta take a shower and do my hair. Now, hurry up.
You know...
...if somebody was to walk in here right now...
...they might think you was hitting on me.
Trust me, if I was hitting on you, you'd know it.
Really? How?
Okay, you made your point.
Uncle Phil, you busy?
What's on your mind, Will?
Jewel kissed me.
- It's customary to kiss the bride. - No, no, no.
Uncle Phil, this was like one of them Fatal Attraction elevator-scene kisses.
You know what I'm saying? You know?
Oh, come on, you're exaggerating, Will.
Listen, Uncle Phil, I'm telling you.
I went up to the room to see if she needed anything.
She kissed me on my lips.
She jumped on me and she was stuck on me.
And I was trying to shake her off, but I couldn't.
She was like a little naked Velcro midget.
What am I gonna do, Uncle Phil?
Guess you've only got two choices. You can either tell Jazz or not.
And you're a judge, right?
Look, maybe this story will help you.
You know, when I was younger, I was a pretty sexy guy.
If you're not gonna take this seriously, Uncle Phil...
Do you wanna hear this story?
Okay. I was driving home from a party with my buddy and his girlfriend...
...and my buddy fell asleep.
Next thing I know, she leans across...
...and fastens my seat belt.
You know what I'm saying?
Please don't do that, Uncle Phil.
Sorry.
Anyway, I figured that our friendship was strong enough to stand the truth.
So we went out for a beer and I told him everything.
Well, did he thank you?
Oh, yeah. With a bar stool, on the head.
Well, I mean, Jazz ain't the violent type...
...I don't think.
Well, the point is, to be a good friend, you have to risk losing a good friend.
- I think I know what I gotta do. - What's that?
I gotta find somebody else to talk to about this.
Hey, Jazz.
How's it going, man?
How's it going? This is the best day of my life.
Did I thank you for everything you've done?
Well, not everything.
I hope you two will be close.
She touched me, Will.
And I know she'll touch you too.
Yeah, actually, Jazz, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
- See, listen, last night... - She told you about our decision?
- What decision? - The one we made last night.
We're gonna have 10 kids.
One for every month of the year.
But we gonna name them all after you.
Jazz, hey, you ain't got to do that, man.
Okay, then, we'll name them Earl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool, Jazz.
See, me and Jewel, we got this crazy dream.
We gonna keep our kids out of reform school.
- Listen, Jazz, what l... - See, Will...
...I don't know how long this happiness is gonna last.
If it's for just one day...
...it's more than I've ever known before.
So, what did you want to talk to me about?
Oh, I just wanted to thank you...
...for picking out these lovely yellow-and-green ensembles.
You're welcome.
Cell block 41 has arrived.
Welcome, ladies.
Please take a moment to sign our guest book.
And now, if I can just have your thumb.
You know, I resent being treated like a common thief.
Oh, you do, do you?
Well, what kind of cold-hearted, vicious, evil crime did you commit?
Securities fraud.
Really? An inside trader?
So are you here alone?
Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd all please take your seats.
And I wanna thank you for attending this wonderful occasion.
It's a pretty nice turnout, huh, Uncle Phil?
Are you kidding? Jazz ain't got no friends. I hired these people.
Ashley.
- Dearly beloved... - Stop the wedding!
You can't marry her, Jazz.
We're not cousins, are we?
- Hilary, what's the meaning of this? - I'm in love with him.
Oh, my God. What am I saying?
I'm gonna go lie down.
May I continue?
We are gathered together to join this man and this woman in matrimony.
If there's anyone who knows why they should not be together...
...let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.
Some friend you are.
I'm sorry, Jazzy, we can't get married.
- Munchkin. - Jazz.
Freeze!
Munchkin, please. What about all our guests?
And all the gifts?
I ain't never owned anything that still had the serial number on it.
- Jazzy, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't work. - Will.
- See if you could talk to her. - Jazz, I can't.
For little Earl's sake.
Listen, Jewel, you cannot do this to Jazz. Marry him.
Okay, you guys can just leave the state and put me behind you.
- Will, I can't. - You have to.
No, really, I can't, I'm on parole, I'm not allowed to leave the state.
Damn these good looks of mine.
Listen, now, Jewel...
...I know it's hard, okay?
But you got to look beyond this charming, sexy exterior, okay?
You got to see the real Will Smith.
I'm irresponsible, I'm unreliable, I'm immature.
- Egotistical, self-centered. - Yeah, yeah, that's it.
- Conceited, thick-headed, spoiled. - Okay, that's fine.
And on top of that, you ain't even that good-looking.
Then why you want me so bad?
I don't want you.
I only came on to you because I figured you'd tell Jazz...
...and he'd call the whole thing off.
But you couldn't even do that.
I kissed you for nothing.
Well, damn.
Will, I've never met anybody who cares for me as much as Jazz does.
You know, whenever we go to a nice restaurant, he carries my tray.
And when it's time to skip out on the check...
...he always holds open the bathroom window for me.
Well, that's Jazz for you.
Can't you see?
I don't deserve a man like him.
I mean, look what he's done for me.
Beautiful wedding gown...
...getting married in a Bel-Air mansion.
Do you know where my mama was married?
No, where?
I don't know. I was hoping you did.
Jewel, believe me when I tell you, you and Jazz are made for each other.
Listen, trust me, I've known Jazz a long time...
...and you are the best thing to ever happen to him.
Will, I'm scared.
What if it doesn't work out?
- It will. - But what if it doesn't?
It will.
- But what if it doesn't? - It will!
Now get in there and marry that boy.
Thanks.
Okay, let's get a shot of the bridesmaids.
Okay, we're back. We're back. Everything's okay.
Bride just got a little nervous, but who wouldn't, marrying Jazz?
May I continue?
- Please do. - Good.
The bride and groom have prepared their own vows. Jazz.
You're one jewel I never wanna hock.
Sometimes I wanna bite you to see if you're really real.
If love was craps, you'd be a seven.
If it was on the first roll.
But if it was on the second roll, and the point was six, you'd be a six.
No, actually, you'd be a nine.
I'd play the field on the second roll, make a couple of extra bucks.
Then you'd be a six on the third roll, and then I'd clean up.
You know what I'm trying to say.
I love you, and you make me feel lucky.
And now, Jewel.
I love you, Jazzy, and I wanna be with you always.
Thank you for setting this little jailbird free...
...body, mind and spirit.
Baby, I love you.
All right, all right, all right.
Do you, Jazz, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Oh, yeah.
Do you, Jewel, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Oh, yeah.
By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Okay.
Jewel. Jewel. Jewel.
Jewel, get off me. Hey, Jewel.
I ain't playing. Get off me, Jewel.
Get off of me, Jewel.
Okay, you made your point.